Seizures are Starting Again, Why? Post #28

 Seizures are Starting Again, Why?

    For those who do not know, I have seizure disorder; and in 2017 I was told if I did not get my seizures under control, they would kill me.  For about 2 years I had trouble with mobility and even required a hospital bed, wheel chair, and home health care.  After doing some deep soul searching I was able to start to discover myself as my authentic self as a transgender person.  Then in the spring of 2020, I saw a neuropsychologist, who confirmed that I was transgender suffering from gender dysphoria, which was most likely subconsciously contributing to my seizures. A weight was lifted off my shoulders, I started my transitioning, which resulted in my seizures slowly starting to subside.  In the past couple of years I have been able to do things that I thought I would never be able to do again, so why is my seizures starting again?  Well, like before, I have to be honest in what triggered them.  You see, before my anxiety was because of my gender dysphoria in how I saw myself.  Now, it is more of a social dysphoria.  Yesterday, we were suppose to make a 4 1/2 hour emergency trip to our home state to visit friends who are going through some very rough times.  I was not so much worried about the trip, nor was I worried on how I was going to be treated by our friends, but what about by the public in the meantime?  Even though I am fortunate in the support I receive in our small home community, and I feel comfortable traveling locally, I have not yet traveled since my transition.  I have not faced people in the area of my home state, nor have I used a public bathroom yet.  The statics that shows that 40% of all transgender people will face assault keeps ringing in my head, and my anxiety have been through the roof.  Historically, I have not been afraid of being hurt, but what about my wife?  So, now I am again facing the fear that I had to face locally; but now it is different, I need to face my homeland and those I know.  To date, I have not faced any violence, but I believe it is just a matter of time.  How will I handle it?  Will my wife be okay?  These may be unnecessary fears, and I know I will need to face them, but how?  This is my current conclusion on why my seizures started again, anxiety of the fear of the unknown. So, now it is time to try to figure out how to face these fears, little by little.  At least I know I have a lot of supporters, which I am so Blessed for. 

Now, it is time to figure out the next safe step.

Hugs,

Jade

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